Annalyse

Personal Info
Name: Annalyse(Can someone change my current name[Selaena]to Annalyse? thanks.)
Alias: Ayame
Age: 24
Gender: Female
Sexuality: Heterosexual
Personality: She is energetic yet quiet. She can only be fun with her best friends or else she is a awkward.She also tends to make herself invisible. Not literally. She is generally big hearted and friendly until you anger her. Then comes the ugly side of her. She will glare and say some hurtful words, only her besties can calm her down. Otherwise, she is a nice person and is a back-up bro to friends. She stands up to friends and helps whenever she can.
Interests: books,games and shopping for presents,traveling.
Dislikes: she dislikes cowards,pessimistic and arsonists
Fears: She has a fear of spiders.

General Appearance
Height: 100 feet
Scales: Default colors: Silver,white and royal blue
Eyes: a silvery violet
Appearance: White,snake-like scales, with silver membranes. The parts behind her ears are Royal blue which sort of streaks down to the sides of her head. On her left hind leg is a snake-like birthmark, the beige colour. The snake looks like it is preparing to attack, like Slytherin's mark.

Tribe Information and Status
Tribe: icewing
Inheritance: cross between an Icewing and a Lightwing. Icewing: 50% Lightwing: 50%
Rank: Trainee
Family: her parents died when she was younger and she had to bring herself up
Mate: n/a
Hatchlings: n/a

Skills and Abilities
Strengths: She fights well and has high stamina,because when she was a few years old, males tend to pick on her and fight her,so she had to learn to defend herself and her fighting skills are groomed over the years of fighting males.
Special Abilities: Ability to change the colour of her scales and breathe frost breath: -1 degrees. The breath can encase the opponent in ice, but will not cause death and does not freeze the opponent that fast. It will take two hours to freeze them and in the process of freezing, she still has to attack the opponent,lest they thaw themselves out. The ice will not cause death but will temporary buy time for Annalyse. To thaw themselves out, they must go to a place with at least 35 degrees for 2 hours,with a fire next to the frozen opponent,it will take 3 mins till the ice melts and the ice will be broken if someone helps the opponent to hit the ice with the right amount of strength.The breath can shoot out on a max of 4 feet, min of 2 feet.
Weaknesses:
~Soft spot on belly,hurts more if she is hit at her belly.
~Tickles. She is very tickly at her waists. So when she is jabbed at the waist, she would stop all fighting and roll on the ground,laughing and at the same time allowing herself to be full of openings.
~Hot tempered. She is provoked very easily, when she is provoked, she doesn't calmly study the surroundings. She just blindly charges and is easily caught off-guard.
~Her frost breath is not that cold.
Combat Style: she coils her tail around the opponent and brings them down to the ground witg a slap. She also uses her teeth and tear at the opponent's flesh. In addition, she locks her enemy's hands and legs and deliver a headbutt.

Background
History: will be revealed through rp
RP Sample: Annalyse wanted to rest.She longed to stretch her wings and soar into the sky and do other things that interest her. But,no. She had to do chores. Chores, chores and more chores. The word was now a horrible word to her. She hated it so much. It left her exhausted by the end of the day,tottering to dreamland. So, she had no time to relax, have fun. She sighed as she closed her eyes and slept.

Hello Yukihina, I'm Tempest, a staffie here on DRF.

It has come to my attention that you have posted the same app with the same 'WIP' symbol in the title. I am going to have to ask you to stop posting so many of the same app as it clutters the topic section for everyone.

Instead of rewriting and resubmitting an entire app, I will leave one of the currently submitted apps for you to edit (the one which I have posted on). You are able to edit each individual app (or post) by the 'edit' section near the top of the topic (or post) which you have created. Type the changes you want in there and resubmit. When you are ready, take away the WIP in the title and bump it so that we know that it's ready to go.

If you do not want to edit the app, then I highly recommend writing the entire app in a word document or something similar to this. After doing that, copy and paste it (with the correct formatting) to the character application center and a staff member will look at it when they are available.

If you need a bit more help, please have a look here!
http://www.rpgdragons.org/t3556-the-new-member-s-guide

Also, when you have sumitted and completed your app, please delete everything written in the brackets (and remove the brackets) as they were merely a guideline to help you decide what you want in that section or to help you out if you needed it and didn't know what it was on about.

I hope this was helpful and that you have an awesome time here on DRF! We're always excited to have new members <3

~Tempy

bump

Hello again Selaena~

I just have a few things that I would like you to fix ^^

Firstly, with your personality, I would like you to remove the cussing when she is angry, as we don't really allow that sort of language on our site. I would also really like you to explain why she likes this and how it is relevant to her personality.

Selaena wrote:Her catchphrase is..."Oya, oya?" and likes it when people reply with "oya, oya, oya."

Can you please explain why she likes it, as it's a rather weird catchphrase (no one actually has these) and people are likely not to know how to respond to it the first few times.

With your appearance, you say that she has teal and white scales. Can you tell us where on her body the teal and white scales are? Do they form spots around her body? Stripes? What do the different colours do? Can you also say how the scales are formed? Examples of what I mean are if they are diamond shaped, fish scales, like snakes, etc.

Then in the general appearance section, you say;

Selaena wrote:Teal-colored body with white underbelly and white (nearly invisible) spots on wings. her scales can change colour to her mood. she has a frost breath

Firstly, I'd like to tackle what shape her body is. Does she have a long tail? Does she have 4 legs like a normal dragon, is she a wyvern with only two legs and two wings? What is she like? I need you to tell us what your dragon looks like exactly, include any horns she might have on her head, fur, spikes, anything and everything that your dragon looks like.

Your frost breath also needs to be removed from here as it's not really part of her appearance. It should be in the strengths or special abilities section.

Now, in the Tribe information section, you state that she is;

Salaena wrote:cross between an Icewing and a Lightwing

Can you just state what exactly the cross is? Is it that she is a perfect hybrid of 50% IceWing and 50% Lightwing, or is it more along the lines of 75% IceWing and 25% LightWing? Just be a bit more specific here.

With your Skills and abilities, I'd like to tackle a few things here.

The strengths section should also include any physical and mental strengths she has. State if she is strong like an average FireWing, or fragile like a SkyWing, say the amounts of hits she can take.
Also say if she is clever or not, is she rather smart for her age? Or is she lower than average?

Currently, with your frost breath, instantly freezing your victims is too strong so I am going to need you to change it a little. I mean, freezing a 160 foot tall EarthWing in a single second is a bit too strong So I am going to need you to reduce this. Maybe you can make it so that she can shoot beams of ice that chill on impact and over exposure can cause areas to freeze? But it would require more than one post for that to happen.

In your weaknesses, you say that she has a weakness of;

Salaena wrote:Weaknesses: spiders and cockroaches

I would consider these to be fears or dislikes, not weaknesses. Weaknesses are often reffered to when she is in a fight with another dragon. Maybe she can't fight? Or she can't fight up close? Something that is a weakness to how she fights.

In your combat style, this is a place to say how she would fight. Say, if Tempest came at her, claws blazing, how would your dragon react to it? Would she be agressive and try to attack, would she wait back and dodge to analyse her opponents and then strike? You need to state something like this for your combat style.

Finally, in your RP sample, I would like you to give me 5 sentences of how you would use your character if she joined an RP. Feel free to look at other people's character apps so that you get an idea of what to do, but really, this is how you yourself will rp and how your dragon will interact with others.

I hope this helps a bit~! Just bump it when you have editted everything that I have asked <3

Bump

Hey there, Annalyse! Just a few things to change before I give you your first approval.

Interests:

Annalyse wrote:books and games

You need to have a minimum of 3 interests.

Appearance

Annalyse wrote:White,semicircle scales, with silver membranes. The parts behind her ears are Royal blue which sort of streaks down to the sides of her head. On her left hind leg is a snake-like birthmark.

Please elaborate more on Annalyse's appearance. Where is the silvery membrane at? Is it at her wings, or between her toes, or somewhere on her scales? How does the snake-like birthmark look like? What colour is it?

Inheritance:

Annalyse wrote:cross between an Icewing and a Lightwing

Specify the percentage or fraction of her LightWing and IceWing inheritance.

Strengths:

Annalyse wrote:Her frost breath is not that cold to an average ice wing and yes,she can change the colours of her scales.

How far can her ice shoot? What are its effects? How often can you use it (e.g. Once every 3 posts)?  

Special Abilities:

Annalyse wrote:She can fight well I guess? Head butting is her specialty.

The special abilities section of an app is where you put in a unique ability that not a lot of dragons/no one has. Head butting should be put down under combat style, and fighting well under strengths. Which brings me to the strengths section.

Strengths:

Annalyse wrote:Her frost breath is not that cold to an average ice wing and yes,she can change the colours of her scales.

Her frostbreath that she can exhale, as well as her ability to change the colour of her scales, should be mentioned in her special abilities, not strengths. Also, the fact that her frostbreath isn't as cold as the average IceWing's should be listed down under weaknesses, or at the explanation of her frostbreath about its effects, limits, etc etc.

~

That's all for now. Please bump when edited.

I should point out here that Strengths is for anything your dragon is good at, like a keen wit or high stamina. Special abilities is where you put more magical aspects such as frost breath or scale changing. You also want to specify how they work, like what temperature range the frost breath can go to, and how often the can activate their abilities, like Artemise said.

Additionally, we require at least a full paragraph (5 sentences is a good estimate for the length) for your roleplay sample.

Bump when finished!

Bump........

Appearance:

Annalyse wrote:Appearance: White,semicircle scales, with silver membranes. The parts behind her ears are Royal blue which sort of streaks down to the sides of her head. On her left hind leg is a snake-like birthmark, the beige colour.

How does the snake-like birthmark look like? Does it look like a snake? If so, is the snake curled up? Or does it look like it's preparing to attack?

Special Abilities:

Annalyse wrote:Special Abilities: Ability to change the colour of her scales and breathe frost breath: -10 degrees. The breath can cause pneumonia and sometimes, if she uses all her strength, cause death.

Pneumonia and death is too overpowered, especially for a hybrid. Even a pureblooded IceWing's frostbreath won't have this powerful an effect. Please change this. Also, how far can her frostbreath shoot (e.g 5 feet)? How often can she use it?

Roleplay Sample:

Annalyse wrote: Annalyse waves at someone.




Um.. Bump

Like Tezz said, you need to have a minimum of 5 sentences. And you can remove the "bump" word in your RP sample

Bump.

Everything looks fine to me...except for the special abilities, and weaknesses.

Special Abilities:

Encasing the opponent in ice with your frostbreath is too overpowered. Only a pureblooded IceWing would be able to do so; then again, it would be still unfair, so the IceWing would have to severely limit that ability.

In battle, your frostbreath gives your character an unfair advantage over the opponent, having the ability to camouflage herself and encase her opponent in ice. So nope, I'm declining your frostbreath, please change its effects.

Weaknesses:

How is having a hot temper, and getting provoked easily, a weakness? It should be mentioned in the personality section. However, I'm not saying that having a hot temper is not a weakness - it can be one, but you need to explain how it is a weakness. Same goes for being ticklish. If you have trouble you can refer to Arte's app, she also has hot temper as a weakness.

Bump

Special Abilities:

Your frostbreath looks good to me, but there's still some things I need to clarify: How long does it take for the victim of the frostbreath to freeze? What must be done in order for the ice to thaw? How long does the ice take to do so?

Weaknesses:

You have specified how your hot temper is a weakness - but not ticklishness. Please do so.

~

Edit all these and I think you'll be good to go.

Bump.

I'm positive that thaw means to melt. So it isn't possible for her ice to "thaw" by getting hit.

Also... are you sure her ice won't melt? [You didn't mention it] Even if it were to be placed near a fire? You should mention that it will thaw out by itself if placed at a place which has a minimim temperature of (insert temperature here), or if it comes in contact with fire for (insert period of time here).

bumpp

1/2 APPROVED

I just see one thing that needs clarification. "She fights unusually well". How so? Does she not have any fighting or play fighting experience as a Hatchling or teen?

Bbumpp.

Nice, but how is that unusual? I think maybe you should just remove that word, but otherwise the app is fine and ready for the last approval! ^.^

B.U.M.P.

2/2 Approved